literature

Flashes - Part IV

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Dancing towards the End


The next morning was hell. There was nothing about me that did not stink of alcohol and I felt the familiar stinging of a beginning migraine behind my eyes. I couldn't decide if it was good or bad that I remembered everything I'd done the night before, including, of course, the monologue in front of Shepard's bedroom door. I only could be thankful for not being drunk enough to actually ring the bell on that door.


For now it seemed that I was the only one knowing of what I had done the night before, and I hoped desperately that it would stay that way.


My friend the zombie greeted me again out of the mirror and the cold shower was sadly not enough to get rid of him. But at least I joined the crowd – the greater part of the crew had been celebrating yesterday, and we all shared the same blue rings beneath heavy lidded eyes, squinted to block most of the light out. Pressly was even wearing sun glasses, as if everyone wouldn't know what he'd done the night before. The mess was full, but the volume of speech had been reduced to its minimum, so that people talked, if at all, only in whispers. Nearly nobody was eating, but everyone was arming themselves with a coffee and a glass of water in which one of Dr. Chakwas helpful anti-hangover medicines was dissolving.


I was happy to not be the only one.


After finishing my coffee, I strolled over to the cockpit, slumping into my seat next to Joker, who was humming a cheery melody, and typing God-knows-what into his console.


"Had a long night?" He asked with a smirk, a striking image of energy and good mood.


"Don't ask," I said and got rid of an offensively beeping message on my console with a flick of my wrist.


"That's answer enough," he snickered and continued with whatever Joker was doing the whole day when the Normandy was in the bay. I could only hope he'd do it in silence.


Φ


For the first month, we were dancing an awkward dance around each other. For every step one took, the other took one back, an endless back and forth of cowardice and what-ifs holding us in place and the distance between us constant.


Looking back now, I see how foolish I was, and how eager to find excuses to not tell him what I truly felt. Maybe telling him would have helped me sleep. Maybe doing it would have put an end to the dreams. Or maybe then I could have started to actually enjoy them, because they gave me what I longed for so much.


But I kept carrying my burden around with me, every day, every boyish grin, every praise, every glance adding more weight to it, making it grow and grow, making my knees bend more and more until it was only missing one small thing to make me buckle under its pressure.


In the end, the thing that came was not small, but huge, and it buried me alive.


Φ


It was ridiculous. I had never liked the Council, but this was just offensive and dumb. There could be no other way more obviously showing that they wanted to get rid of Shepard and his warnings. It made me wonder how they could be so blind. They hadn't taken him serious the first time, and Shepard had proven them wrong, but they handled it as if he'd just had been lucky, not well-prepared and reasonable.


They should be kneeling down in front of him, begging for forgiveness, but now they were sending him on a Geth hunt, completely ignoring the real threat and giving way for everything yet to come with Shepard out of reach. It was frustrating.


A month had passed since the fight. Liara, Garrus, Wrex and Tali had left the ship. Now there was only Alliance crew left on the Normandy, and somehow, it felt strange. Ashley's absence was more perceptible than ever, now that everyone else was gone. The only members of the usual shore party left where Shepard and I.


I rolled around in my bunk, unable to find rest. There was nothing to do, so far. We had left the Citadel two weeks ago, and apart from minor encounters with Geth ships, it had been awfully quiet. Nearly peaceful. I should have been happy, but the problem was that I was once again forced to over-think my feelings for the lack of anything else to do. They crept into my mind whenever I was alone and not occupied by my usual work, and it got so far that I had started to clean my rifles to distract me.


It had worked, at first. But soon there had been no reason to clean my rifles every day without an operation to get them dirty in the first place, so I had started to clean Shepard's rifles as well. However, I got so used to doing it, that my body started to do the task on its own, so that my mind was not occupied any longer and I had enough time to sink into my usual vortex of confusing emotions and desire. God, how I hated it.


This was useless. Rolling around in my bed and staring at the ceiling would get me nowhere, so I decided to stand up again. It wasn't that late, and maybe I could look over the rifles or the Mako. I would find something.


My plans were soon shattered, however, when I exited my cabin only to see Shepard sitting in the mess, reading a datapad, a steaming cup on the table in front of him. Unable to decide between making him aware of me or just leaving him alone with his work, I stood there and watched him. There were still worry lines on his forehead and around his eyes, but they had become less over the last month, together with the blue crescents under his eyes. Still, his hunched posture gave way of the burden he was still carrying around, and I felt the sudden urge of helping him get it off his shoulders, at least for a bit.


Confidently, I took a few steps towards him announcing my presence, "Evening, Commander."


He looked up, an expression of surprise momentarily getting hold of his face, but vanishing immediately. So he hadn't heard me coming out of my quarters, too occupied by his work to notice anything around him. I wondered if I'd made a mistake, but Shepard smiled at me and laid the datapad down next to his cup. Apparently, he was glad about a distraction. "Lieutenant."


That he didn't use my first name stung a bit, but I ignored it. Seriously, what did I expect after I had avoided him for the past month, too ashamed of what I had did that night in front of his door, and too scared of giving it away. I shoved the memories away, there was no time for it now, and took another few steps forward until I was standing near the chair opposite of him. "Do you mind if I join you?"


"Not in the least," he answered with a tired smile and I sat down, carefully choosing my next words and checking them for hidden meaning and traps.


"I thought there wouldn't be that much paperwork since the Geth seem to be quite calm," I said, nodding towards the black screen of the datapad. Shepard followed the direction of my eyes and shook his head slowly. "No, there's really not much to do. But this is about Sovereign." He sighed exhausted. "I have been looking for anything that could tell me from where the Reapers come, or even how long they already exist, but I can't find anything. They are still a mystery to me."


I nodded understandingly. "I would prefer if they staid a mystery," I admitted with an apologetic smile. "I'm not too eager to meet them again."


"So am I, believe me." His eyes darkened for a moment with something close to sadness. "I would prefer to stay out of life threatening situations for now, but I chose the wrong job for that."


I couldn't help the feeling that he was thinking of Ashley. Somehow, it always came down to that. While it had meant nothing to the rest of the universe, losing her had changed everything for us. There was still guilt inside me, bubbling up and into my thoughts whenever someone mentioned her. Seeing Shepard sitting here across from me, his shoulders slumped, his brows furrowed and his normally shining eyes clouded by his loss made me wish for being able to change places with her. I wished I could turn back the time, just blow myself into oblivion with the bomb, or don't avoid that bullet aimed for my head.


But there was a reason he had chosen me. That I still didn't know what the reason was didn't make it nonexistent. I would never try to ask him again, and maybe it was better that way, because if I found out and couldn't live up to his expectations it would send me into a gaping abyss of guilt and remorse.


"Well, I guess we can't do much about that for now," I said to him and stood up. "But what we can do is take a drink." For a moment, he looked at me surprised, and I feared that I had talked nonsense again. It must have showed on my face, because he smiled at me encouragingly, his eyes glinting with something close to cheerfulness. "Sounds good to me."


I nodded and turned around, trying to calm my furiously beating heart down. His smiles threw me off balance, reminded me of why I couldn't sleep at night. But there was no place for these kind of musings now, we were having a drink, yes, but that was about all of it. Just a drink in a friendly moment of companionship. That's all. Nothing more.


I found a bottle of whiskey in one of the cupboards. Nothing of high quality, but certainly better than lukewarm beer. When I turned towards the table again, two glasses where already standing there and Shepard was just sitting back down.  


Seemingly more relaxed now, he let one of his arms hang over the back of his chair, and I had to admit that I had seldom seen this off-duty side of his. It was... special to see him like this, dropping the strict army behavior and just being himself, no straight posture, and the neutral and reserved expression on his face exchanged for a comfortable smile. It turned the whole situation into something more personal and I got the feeling that I could really help him getting his mind off the things that bothered him. Forget the Council, forget the Reapers, we could continue worrying about them tomorrow.


I poured some of the whiskey into the glasses and sat down again, pushing one of the drinks over to Shepard and lifting my own for a toast. "To our friends," I said with a smile.


"To those we have won and those we will never forget," Shepard answered, but this time, there was nothing clouding his eyes.


Φ


"Shepard, duck!" I yelled. Immediately, my Commander threw himself to the ground and the bolt of biotic energy I had thrown flew over his head, hitting the Geth that was standing in front of him right in the chest and throwing it against the wall of rock the synthetic had stood in front of.


The machine cracked audibly, but Shepard didn't hesitate and fired a well-placed bullet into the synthetic's head, still laying prone on the ground.


"Is everyone all right?" I heard his voice inside my helmet while he jumped back to his feet.


"Yes, Commander," Marony answered and I turned around to see her climbing over a boulder, her rifle still in hand and ready.


"Good," Shepard said and walked towards the Geth we'd just killed, or rather destroyed, to check if we had really finished or merely deactivated it. We couldn't allow ourselves to turn our back towards it before we knew it would definitely not stand up again and shoot us from behind. I did the same with the rest of the Geth we had just encountered, while Marony kept an eye out for more of them from her position on top of the boulder.


The young sniper had been transferred to the Normandy one week before by Hackett, her dossier perfect and including a letter of recommendation by the Admiral himself. So far she had proven herself capable and nearly as talented as Garrus when it came to handling a sniper rifle and with her our shore party had returned to the number of three people.


"Corporal Marony, radio Joker to send us a shuttle to our current position. Lieutenant, to me."


"Understood," the Corporal answered and started typing away on her omni-tool.


I walked over to Shepard and past Marony, who was already talking to Joker, her voice muffled through her helmet; she'd shut the two of us out of her comm to call the Normandy, but the glance she shot me when I passed her told me that was not the only reason. Clever girl.


Shepard had already taken off his helmet when I reached him and I did the same. There was a bead of sweat running down the side of his face, and I followed it with my eyes further down his neck until-- concentrate, Kaidan!


"So, what do you think of her, Kaidan?" He nodded shortly in Marony's direction and I saw that she had turned her back towards us, searching the sky for any signs of the shuttle.


"Well, I think she lives up to the things Admiral Hackett wrote in the recommendation." I said, glad to be able to look at something else than Shepard's face. "And she is an excellent sniper. Not as excellent as Garrus, but well, the Turian spoiled us."


"Yeah." Shepard grinned when I mentioned the Turian sniper again. He did that often now, since that evening in the mess where we'd shared whiskey and stories. It felt like there had formed a bond between us that night, and it kept growing with every day. Along with my hopes. It grew and grew with every smile he showed me, every companionably pat on my back, every conspiratorial glance and every shared laugh, and it didn't matter how often I told myself that it didn't mean anything.


I stared at his profile and felt myself starting to smile too, only because he was smiling. But then he turned back to me again, and the boyish grin got weaker until it was replaced by his professional neutral look. "And what do you think of her personally?" The question and his sudden soberness took me by surprise and I needed some time to think about it.


"So far she has been relatively silent," I finally said. "We have only talked once or twice, and she was attentive but reserved and her answers where short. But maybe she only has to warm up to us." I shrugged, carefully avoiding to show any form of confusion over his behavior. In the end, as Staff Lieutenant it was my responsibility to talk to a new crew member.


He nodded and looked at me, searching my face for something. I had no idea for what. The moment passed, and he gave me a companionable clap on the shoulders. "Well, let's hope she will warm up to us."


Then he walked away, towards the shuttle approaching us, announcing its arrival with the sound of its engines. Somehow, I felt that I had missed something, but I couldn't tell what or why it would leave this unsettling feeling behind.


Φ


Shepard put the cards down on the table and Joker cursed. I settled for a sigh and threw my hand on the table as well. Nothing could beat Shepard's poker face, and in combination with alcohol everyone else was destined to lose the game against him. I could already feel the telltale heat rising to my cheeks, and my limps felt heavy with the invisible weight of alcohol. That, and the fact that I had already lost a few hundred Credits to Shepard made me decide to end the night now.


"Well, I'll go to bed now. The Commander has stolen enough from me for today." I offered him a lop-sided smile to make up for the remark. He winked at me, and my heart made an unhealthy leap of joy.


"I'm gonna call it a night too," Shepard said, and stood up, making a show of collecting the pile of Credits in the middle of the table. "Good night."


"Good night to you too, Commander," Marony said in her usual strict and slightly impersonal army behavior.


"Night," Joker said while shuffling the cards for a last match between him and the Corporal.


"Should I call for security to escort you to your room, Commander? Someone could try to rob you, considering the amount of money you're carrying around," I said as soon as the door closed behind us with a hiss. Shepard smirked in a manner that made a lump grow in my throat. "Since you're already here, I guess you could do that."


I was glad my cheeks were already red thanks to the alcohol, because else he could have seen me blushing. The idea of me coming near his quarters was exiting and scaring at the same time, since I remembered my confession, but also noticed the low tone his voice had adopted. He surely wasn't implying.


What the fuck, Kaidan?! Pull yourself together! There was no way... Or was there?


I cleared my throat. This was dangerous ground, too dangerous, it could cost my position on the Normandy. Even worse – it could end the delicate bond of friendship between us. Caution was in order.


"Okay..." I said, and hoped desperately he wouldn't notice that my voice was a bit too high-pitched for my liking. "I could do that."


The silence between us was not really uncomfortable, but filled with the electricity of excitement. There was warmth in my stomach, on my cheeks, and, I had to admit, also lower down. I was most likely reading too much into his offer, really, and I should stop doing it, but my mind was drunk on alcohol and feelings alike, happily drawing images of us standing in front of his quarters, caught in a moment of togetherness, our faces so close to each other we were sharing the same air, eyes locked, lips drawing nearer until our breaths tickled the sensitive skin of them, then finally brushing--


"Thank you, Kaidan."


I snapped out of my daydreams, and became suddenly aware of us standing in front of the door to his quarters. My heart was beating furiously against my rip cage, and it took all my will power to calm it down.


"You're welcome, Commander," I answered, voice a bit raspy.


"John." It took me some time to realize that he had just offered me to use his first name, and all my former attempts of forcing my heart into a healthy rhythm were shattered. I nodded.


"Good night, John." The name felt unfamiliar, but at the same time good, and it left a sweet taste on the tip of my tongue.


"Good night, Kaidan."


He stepped through the door and it closed, but not before he had the time to offer me a last, warm smile that left me standing a bit longer than necessary on his doorstep, rooted to the ground by the feelings of bliss taking over my body.


Φ


It was only later that same night that the world turned upside down and finally threw me in that hungry abyss that had been patiently waiting for me.


The alarms were screaming clusterfuck, the fires told me the Normandy could be considered history.


Sometime between jumping out of my bunk and rushing towards the bridge I must have managed to put on my suit. I had no idea how I fastened the clasps of it, but adrenaline is a wonder of itself, capable of rinsing the remaining alcohol out of my system and letting my mind focus on the important things. Finding a way to Shepard.


The ship shook violently, and I was thrown against a wall so hard stars danced in vision for a short moment. Stumbling, I made my way through the other crew mates running towards the escape shuttles. I heard screams of pain and dread alike, saw people laying limply on the floor, barely noticed the fire licking its way along the walls and through the ship.


"Lieutenant!" Chakwas suddenly appeared next to me, grabbed my arm. "Doctor, what--"


"Joker's still on the bridge, he won't leave!" There was fear in her eyes, something I'd never seen before when it came to her. It just confirmed the gravity of our situation. I nodded, and grabbed her arms, shoved her towards the general direction of the shuttles that meant safety. "I'll take care of this. Go!"


She hesitated, but only for a moment, then she turned around and run off, and I saw her hurriedly pulling someone up from the floor.


Another tremor rolled through the ship. There was no time. Chakwas would make it on her own, I had other things to do. Again, I started to run, barely dodged a steel beam crashing down, nearly burying me beneath it. I listened to the sound of the Normandy's hull breaking and being ripped apart. A familiar head with short red hair came in sight, and I grabbed Marony's arm, steadied her when an explosion shook the ship for a third time.


"Evacuate! Immediately!" I yelled over the sound of the sirens, the screams and the crackling fires, and she nodded. "The Commander is over there," she answered and pointed to the armor lockers behind her. "Good luck, Lieutenant."


And then she was gone.


I spotted Shepard's familiar form in front of his locker, and relieve washed over me. "Shepard!"


He turned around, his helmet in hand and I saw the same feeling of relieve mirrored on his face. "Distress beacon is ready for launch," he informed me, and grabbed a fire extinguisher, threw it towards me, and took another one for himself. It was pointless, really. The fire had spread too far already, but at least we could stop it from burning us then and there.


"Joker's still in the cockpit. He won't abandon the ship." I gave my best to choke the fire, but whenever I had stopped it at one point of the wall, it started licking at another. Frustrated, I threw the extinguisher into a corner and turned towards Shepard. "I'm not leaving either."


He was typing something into a console but stopped as soon as I'd told him my plans. The ship shook again and we were thrown against each other, and I felt his strong hands closing around my arms to steady me, his helmet clattering to the ground. I held onto him for dear life. "No back talk, Kaidan," he barked. "I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker."


"John--" I tried, but he squeezed my arms so hard I was sure he would've left bruises if I wouldn't have worn my suit. "That's an order!"


Another explosion, the screech of metal grinding against metal, and we were thrown against the next wall, my back pressed against it, Shepard pressed against my chest. He stared into my eyes, and I stared back, my breath caught in my throat, my heart ready to burst, his arms around my waist, my hands clutching his upper arms.


And suddenly there it was, that moment I've had longed for so long. Our lips crushing together, our teeth clinking against each other, tongues battling, his warm breath coming raspy from his lungs and mixing with mine, my knees so weak they were ready to buckle, but Shepard held me up, pressed me against the wall with his own weight, one hand in my hair, the other tight around my waist. It was a wild first kiss, not exactly how I had pictured it countless times in my dreams, more teeth and fierceness than soft lips and coyness, but wonderful anyway. I could feel his feelings – the long hidden desire, his fear, the desperation, the longing – all channeled into one, breathtaking kiss that swept me off my feet.


But it came too late, and it was over too quickly. It left us panting, all hot cheeks and ruffled hair, our eyes begging for more, but we had to go, had to let go of each other for now, had to answer to the screaming of the alarm, had to evacuate.


"Kaidan," his voice was barely audible, too soft and breathless and with a tone of finality. "Go. Now!"


"No, John, let me--"


He pulled me away from the wall, dragged me away from the lockers and into the corridor. "I said no talking back! Go! NOW!"


"But John--"


"GO!" He shoved me away, desperation and pain in his eyes. I hesitated, watched him picking up his helmet from the floor. "I'll see you later," he said and put on his helmet. I nodded, because I knew nothing would come out if I opened my mouth. The words were stopped by the suffocating lump in my throat and the heavy feeling settling down on my heart. For a second, we dared to stare at each other.


Then he whirled around and ran off towards the bridge, and I was left standing there, feeling something wet running down my cheeks.
I am sorry that took me so long, but I hope you are enjoying this chapter.

It really broke my heart writing this... TT-TT

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© 2012 - 2024 Sijglind
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Rhapsody4u's avatar
I'd be happy to produce an illustration for this wonderful story, just to say thank you for writing it. I'll keep you updated when it's ready ok! See you soon and Happy New Year! :)